“Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t going away.”
Well hello friends. It sure has been some time since I have posted anything on social media or written a blog post. I will give you one guess as to why I have been so quiet. Yes, that is correct! This girl has been enjoying some tasty adult beverages.
Right around Halloween I allowed myself some drinks. Both times I drank in October, I over-indulged. I did not think much of it as I am on the road to sobertown and was allowing myself to live in the grey.
Then November rolled into town. Matt and I went on an anniversary trip to Florida and had a lovely time. My plan was to not drink on the trip. While I did not drink much, I still drank. Again, I gave myself a pass and remained compassionate towards myself as I refused to beat myself up.
There were a few other nights I drank in November that were random. I started to kind of question myself a bit as I felt there was a pattern forming or reforming. Over Thanksgiving, I went to my favorite place which is Emerald Isle, NC. Every night that I was there, I drank. The first two nights it was a glass or two of wine. The third night was more wine and beer as the whole family arrived and it just seemed too familiar not to drink. We ate bbq and shrimp. Our family laughed, played games and watched hockey. Drinking is what felt right. I felt normal.
On Thursday, I did a 5k turkey trot and ran so hard I set off some kind of asthmatic/allergic reaction in my body. I was sick for Thanksgiving day and not been 100% since then. After our big feast, I retired early just because I was so tired of sneezing and sniffling.
On Friday, I woke up not feeling much better. I chose to lay low on the couch and nap throughout the day. Everyone else played on the beach, went fishing or enjoyed shopping. Later that night, I had some wine. It started with one glass. Then I kept going back for glass after glass as our family watched Netflix comedy specials. (By the way, I was still sniffling and not feeling great but the wine made me care a little less.) Finally, I asked for another glass and heard someone do that cough or throat clearing that signaled “no, she doesn’t need anymore.” Well, let me tell you, THAT was embarrassing. I felt nothing but pure shame. (I know Brene Brown would be so proud of me for being able to own how I felt.) Shortly after the cough heard around E.I., we all started to go to bed as everyone had planned to get up early and head home. I could hardly sleep as I was just replaying the the last month in my head as to how I got here again with the drinking. Ugh! My mind was racing with thoughts like guilt, sadness, frustration, sprinkled with some failure.
Saturday, we drove home and it was all I could do to unpack the car. The only thing I wanted to do was start decorating my house for Christmas because that is our family tradition. Sadly, I had nothing left in the tank because of being sick, the travel home and then of course the cumulative effect of drinking for the past few days. So here I am on Sunday, December 1st with no damn decorations up in my house and not feeling good on a physical, emotional or mental level.
As I participated in my online meditation videos today, I came across the above quote from good old Elvis. It spoke to me. Over the last month, I learned many truths and while I can shut them out for a short while, they aren’t going anywhere. It’s time to face the truths and lean into them.
I know I need to never drink again (or at the very least for a very long time) and it pisses me off.
I know I more than likely have a drinking problem and it makes me really sad.
I know that living in the grey is not good for me when it comes to drinking and I need to be black and white. This frustrates me.
I know I probably need to meet with a group and talk about this and get support but I don’t know what this looks like yet. I am not ready to take this step yet because it scares me to bits.
I know and understand why people don’t want to talk about these things. It’s embarrassing and hard. It’s easier to talk with strangers than to talk with friends and family about it because the strangers don’t know you.
I know I will not drink in December. This will be hard for me. It will be all I can do to show up for events. I hate this fact because I want to be all in.
I know there are more truths that haven’t even surfaced yet but will come to me as time moves on.
I know that I will have to take one day at a time but showing up feeling good and energetic will feel better than the way I feel at this moment.
So, here is wishing you all a healthy and wonderful holiday season. I will be in touch with how things are going as the month goes on. My hope is to share things I learn throughout the month that are helping me along the way. For now, I am going to light my Christmas tree scented candle and play Blue Christmas by Elvis as I sit on the couch in my non decorated house. Here is to kicking off a sober holiday season!