Last week, I attended a Daring Way workshop. It spoke to all things shame, vulnerability, joy, belonging, and compassion. It was an incredible two days. (If it were socially acceptable, I would so be a walking billboard of Brene Brown quotes.)
During the workshop, I recalled a time during my teenage years where I learned a mentor of mine was happy I wasn’t returning to her class because she thought I was loud, obnoxious and got on her nerves. Needless to say, that was hard to learn and hear. Add to that being labeled labeled as class clown and the fact that many of my peers thought I was really goofy (based on statements from yearbook inscriptions). For some reason, all of this affected me deeply. (Please know that being labeled class clown and and my high school peers thinking I am goofy or silly is not a bad thing at all. These did become stories in my head for a bit. While it did bother me for some time, as I grew older, I learned my silliness was an asset and not something to be pushed away.)
As an adult, I did not want to be known as the goofy girl. I wanted to be taken seriously and for people to respect me professionally and outside of the workplace. Alcohol became my outlet for being goofy and silly. It was ok to be “crazy fun” if I was tipsy. I could dance, makes jokes, sing and so on as long as there was tasty adult treats being enjoyed and giving me the courage to show up!
Over the last few months, I have come grips with the fact that I am one goofy mother f&^%er. You can be silly, fun, crazy AND be taken seriously at the same time. It’s also ok to be fun without alcohol. (It’s been awkward, but I am growing more comfortable and confident as time goes on.) This is how I show up. It’s not a bad thing. It feels good to finally be ok with who I am, unapologetically.
I do have to share a sweet story to share. In recent weeks, I have asked family and friends to write what it was like to be with me when I drank how they feel about me working on quitting. My children have also been a part of the conversation. I had asked them to write something, but we ended up having a heartfelt conversation. I shared with them what I was working on and my son says “Oh, I did not ever see you drunk or see you drink that much.” I said, “really?” He replied to me saying no that he always thought I behaved fine at parties and around others. I asked him if he felt any different since I was no longer the crazy and loud mom at events given I did not drink anymore and he replied “you are still loud and crazy, but that’s why people love you.”
Thank you, Ian, for pointing out that I can be me, without alcohol being my cushion and reminding me people love me anyway.
#roadtosobertown #soberglow #courage #shame #vulnerability #joy #compassion #goofygirl #funnyandcrazy #classclown #beyou #shinebright #authenticity
Note*This started as an Instagram post that I expanded on. Grammar may not be great but I wanted to write and post before I thought too much more about it and over edited the material. XO Thanks for patience.