Months ago, I was about to write a blog called Sober Glow: When the Hell Are You Showing Up? Honestly, when I started on this Road to Sobertown back in May, I thought I would instantly feel amazing, my skin would look radiant overnight and the excess weight would just melt right off this middle aged body.
Well, I am hear to share that my skin still resembles that of a teenager going through puberty (but it is getting better) and the weight that I hoped would fall off, has not, YET!
While I don’t have the glowing complexion or loose fitting clothes, I take comfort in the fact that I feel more energetic, peaceful and clear each day when I wake up. This took several months to experience, but this type of “sober glow” has finally arrived and I am truly grateful.
Energy…Sweet Lord. I am so happy to finally feel like I am not dragging ass each day. For months, I felt as though I could barely make it to lunchtime. Suppertime would come and I would be in my pajamas. It was so hard to get through a day because of just how tired I was and it was incredibly frustrating. I was like “Do I need to drink to feel better?” Perhaps it was withdrawl, or my body getting rid of the crap I had fed it for years. Who really knows? But for now, for the first time in a long time, I want to make dinner, I clean the house on the regular as if I am expecting royalty and I could read until the wee hours of the morning. Three cheers to energy!
Clarity…It’s safe to say that I had been walking around in a fog for quite some time. I can blame pregnancy brain to newborn then toddler fog. Then there was “damn, I drank to much the night before” fog (for longer than it needed to be). When I quit drinking on the regular and in excess back in May, I thought the fog would lift quickly. Frustratingly, like the energy, it did not. The fog lingered all summer long. It has only been in the last week or so that I finally feel a sense of clarity and it is freaking magical. I know what I want AND there is a determination to make it happen (like a fire in the belly kind of determination). There is a path way for me to achieve goals that I haven’t experienced before. I used to feel like sometimes I had silly battles to deal with but I don’t feel that way any longer. I won’t except my dumbass excuses and by no means will I tolerate the bullshit I have put up with in the past. Life is short and meant to be lived to the fullest AND I have shit to accomplish! Let’s hear it for CLARITY!
Peace…The thoughts that have haunted me for as long as I can remember: a) Are people mad/upset with me? b) Do people genuinely like me? c) Have I hurt someone’s feelings and did not know it? d) God, I hope I show up the best way I can be the best kind of friend to all who are in my life.
After a night of drinking in the past, the first thing I used to do post wake up was send an apology text to anyone I was with the previous night. There were apologies for loud and silly behavior. After the apology came the question about whether or not I had done/said anything to make anyone mad. For heavens sake, I had lived in fear for years. There have been countless hours with my head spinning in a dangerous and downward spiral worrying or obsessing about how others felt about me. (I know this sounds narcissistic and I don’t mean for it to. I just never wanted to do anything wrong or piss anyone off.) Well, the beautiful thing that happens as a result of me not drinking is that I am no longer foggy on the details of the previous night and there is nothing to apologize for or worry about. 🙂 Nailed it! I find myself a little more quiet and reserved (I am not sure how I feel about this version of myself yet, but I am still getting to know her.) I have kept socializing to a minimum over the last several months and it has been in small group settings because I feel like I don’t know how to show up in big groups without alcohol. Booze was my crutch. I know I will get there in time, but for now, it feels really good to wake up worry free and at peace with how I behaved the evening before. Heartfelt conversations with friends can never be a bad way to spend a night.
To address “D” from above…that thought will never leave me brain. I always hope to show up the best way I can for everyone in my life. Now that I have more energy, clarity and peace, time spent will be a lot more meaningful and I will be more present when I am with family and friends. That is always a win-win.
It’s a great feeling knowing the long awaited sober glow has finally arrived.