The dark days of postpartum…

It’s fall 2008 and I am out to dinner with some girlfriends sipping on wine and eating as much cheese fondue and bread as the elastic waistband would permit. During our evening together I am sharing with them how I am angry all the time for no good reason. As I woke up each morning, I was irritated and wanted nothing to do with my 6 month old daughter and 2 year old son. The kids would wake me up with sweet smiles and all I felt was rage. Everyone pissed me off and I was on edge from sun up till sun down (unless I was chugging my ol’ friend Corona Light).

A friend said to me that night at dinner that I should see someone because it sounded like I had postpartum depression and I thought she was nuts. I figured I was just tired or “lost” as I had been a working mom for bit and now I was trying to find my way as a stay at home mom. How could I have postpartum after my second child when I experienced nothing but bliss after the birth of my first child? None of it made any sense to me.

Needless to say, my girlfriend was right. I was experiencing postpartum depression and anxiety. Let me tell you, it was crippling. I did not realize how bad it was until I got help.

Once the postpartum fog began to lift, I was able to look back over the last several months and examine (with the help of a therapist) how I had lived my life. Summer of 2008 had been filled with new mom friends and we played hard. We would enjoy drinks during the day, which turned into happy hour then we would just keep going into the night. This happened often, but I honestly just treated as “summer break”. Little did I know I was dulling/masking pain, sadness, anger and all that comes with the postpartum.

The drinking had to slow down a great deal because of the medication I was on. That was a blessing in disguise, a message from the heavens as they say. It took me a lot longer before I decided to actually make a change but the universe surely started sending message a long time ago to me.

I stayed on the medicine for about 2 years and weaned off. Depression and anxiety has come back twice now. Its never been as bad as the first time, but I can tell when it is presenting itself. I got back on medicine fall 2018. Since that time, I had kept my drinking to a minimum for the most part, but did allow for it on occasion. All the while, contemplating whether or not I quite all together. I sure love how themes just keep smacking one in the face until we get the message! Little did I know, that I was slowly beginning the road to sober town.

Published by Stephanie

What a privilege to get to connect with you, the reader. Thank you for taking time to read this blog. My family is my world. I am a wife, mom, daughter, sister, coach and friend to some wonderful humans. I have a passion for helping people feel good from the inside out. My background is in health and wellness and presently, I own manage a small personal training business. I love to swim/bike/run, teach fitness classes, read, cook and talk all things self care. In recent months, I have decided to improve my relationship with alcohol which may mean ultimately going sober. This blog is about how I came to this decision and the journey ahead. My hope is to connect with others in the same place and share things that may help. May we openly talk about the hard things like our emotions and feelings and lift one another up by sharing our love and strength.

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